I Can't Quit You......

This is me on any given day, any given minute....well, she's not exactly me, my expression would never be as serenely sensual....It's more of a hovering in a corner, completely panicked,no makeup, hair hanging onto a ponytail holder, and of course maniac....real sexy.....bon appetit...

I must, however, begin to ween off my unbelievably co dependent love affair I have going on with chocolate...whom I have been cheating on with cheese....and of course, with Pinot Grigio, Bacardi and Grey Goose....and le pain...bread.....Obviously I have a problem.....and now I have a problem zippering my pants.....Oy vey.........

It has been bought to my attention today, again, that you cannot find a full length mirror or a scale in my house. There's a reason for this....how can I maintain my delusional state of mind if a full length mirror is present? I know that my weight has surpassed my IQ, and that I am officially fatter than I am smart....I know that my dress size doubled, ok tripled, since I married.....I know that 20 years on 40 pounds and 3 pregnancies makes an impact on a mind that still thinks I graduated from college yesterday. Not to mention that I hold onto things from the 80's just in case I get to opening up the exercise videos I bought 8 years ago and actually get through a whole routine......But if I had a full length mirror, if I had a scale, if I looked down, it's not the weight gain that would depress me, but the inexcusable abandonment that I have allowed to happen.

Today I reprimanded Gabe for sneaking into the pantry and stealing potato chips. As I kicked him out, I quickly got in his place, stuffed my mouth with fritos, potato chips and some sweet salty popcorn to boot....then I spotted the chocolate....and had my way with it....For the first time I actually realized what I was doing.....and was embarrassed...I think I might have violated the chocolate...there was certainly no respect, no savoring, no genuine feelings of gratitude for the Swiss, for the Belgium, for anything....There I was chugging Lindts truffles like a bottle of water on a hot day.....sobering.......Ended up crying in the corner, in a broke back "I can't quit you" kind of way.....I've come to a conclusion....It's not you chocolate/chips/cheese/bread/cocktails/ nutella/ dulce de leche/flan/ pizza/ pasta/ice cream.....it's me....it's definitely me.......

It's not even my weight that is unhealthy, it's the relationship I have with food. It's always been obsessive, it's always been compulsive, it's always been all over the spectrum....From not eating at all in my teens, to non stop now....When I was chasing Gabe through the neighborhood, it seemed to burn off, but now that I have decided yelling threats of no computer is actually easier...there is absolutely no movement....the only thing I exercise is my patience and my mouth.......and now, as I suck in everything I can so that I can get into my jeans, and try to fold and tuck everything I can't back in....I'm starting to come to the conclusion that the non existent thought I put into myself and my health may backfire sooner than I think.....

I need Oprah's new season, I need Dr. Oz......or maybe I need to do what my hubby has been telling me to do for a while now....put the kids on the bus, turn off the phone, take the dog for a walk.........6 more days till the bus comes........