Art & Fear

I'm at a crossroads. Would be nice to have a sense of direction, would be nice to be able to tell my right from my left. It would be nice to have an innate clue.

For the past 7 years I have had to let go of my fierce shyness and become the voice for my son. Autism requires that. I have had to let go of everything I thought to be true because I was told it was so, and I had to begin to think for myself and question, thoroughly investigate, research and more importantly, follow the sources and monies in order to begin to weed out what is in my child's best interest as opposed to, some other institutions.......While both my son and I grew in the process, he, acquiring language, I acquiring a backbone, there were parts of me that lay dormant......it appears the bears are coming out of hibernation.....

I struggle with self doubt. I have always been incredibly insecure and unfortunately, it hasn't really worked for me....haven't been bright enough to use it to my advantage...I watch moms go back to their former careers or reinvent themselves brilliantly because they have an idea of who they are....Me, I'm notoriously all over the place, always have been. In the book, Art & Fear, that I am currently re reading, hoping the 30th time is a charm (actually it's a fantastic book, should be on Oprah's reading list)...there is a quote that goes "A piece grows by becoming specific"...I'm screwed....this is the truth....both that I'm screwed and being specific is key, even when the specific is subtle....or subjective....learning to become specific would mean learning to define myself as an Artist, finding my voice...I still feel like I'm trying the word on for size, and getting lost in it..... not quite knowing how I'm supposed to be wearing it......Not quite understanding how to "work it", make it my own.....

I struggle with extreme perfectionism when it comes to my work...again, screwed...."Your perfectionism denies you the very thing you need to get your work done. Getting on with your work requires a recognition that perfectionism is paradoxically a flawed concept"..inevitably I get frustrated on so many levels....I used to think it was because it just wasn't up to par, it wasn't what I had in my head, now I'm starting to understand it had nothing to do with my vision, but everything to do with my voice. Again it comes down to my voice. It comes around full circle. A complete sensory experience. Vision is always stressed, but without the other senses equally present, how could the piece be truly expressive? I need an Art backbone....I'm frustrated because I know I'm not where I should be. I know I'm not evolving as I should be when it comes to my work. I know I'm still worried about how others will receive it, I know I'm still worried that I will only be as good as the pieces I create. I know I have my limits, and though I push beyond them in just about every other area in my life, here I'm left at a crossroads......

It would be simple to say, just do it, keep painting, draw, write whatever, "just do it"...ala Nike,
"be present" ala Eckhart Tolle....."Just breathe" singing Faith Hill....."just drink the Kool Aid"...Jim Jones....But it's not so simple.......

"The answers you get depends upon the questions you ask" Thomas Kuhn.....

I need to start asking myself some serious questions.......

And start answering them in color...........

Shit happens.....life happens.....Art happens......and I still happen to need and want to believe in something.........

So I'm off to think, and to paint.................
but I still have my fears................................................................................................