Stars, Moon, Prayers........

There is a stillness tonight that is quite unsettling. Prayers, set free into the night sky, hang like stars clear in it's intent....waiting to be answered. I am humbled by how fragile life really is.

Just this afternoon I dropped my son Carlos off at one of his best friends house. It was his friend's birthday, they had the afternoon filled with activities.....but after a quick phone call to come pick up my son before schedule, I knew something was array.

What seems fair, what doesn't, what seems so wrong or so right, or so real, or such a game means nothing next to who is left behind, or how a life is lived. While we all make sure that our loved ones are safe, we lose sight, sometimes because of life's constraints, or time's restraints, that what is most important is our connection to one another.

I think back to my wish list for summer, all the quality time I was going to spend with my kids, all the places I would take them, the things we would do, and what was actually done shames me. Somewhere in my efforts to find my way out of a maze, I dug myself into a hole. Yet, it was the time spent doing the simplest things that mattered most. That late night board game, that jump in the pool, that walk to the beach, that weekly television show we all cuddled up to see......
The things I have said, the things I wish I hadn't, the thoughts I never found the emotional courage to release, or the ones that wouldn't make it past my pride: easing the guilt with secret promises of I'll do better, I'll try harder, I'll be more patient, more forgiving, more, more more......Finding myself at a moment like this, were the worth of my promises to myself are no different than the promises of a child who really wants something.......Now what was it that I wanted?.......permission to go on with a clearer conscious because I refused to accept my own limitations?

My friend was rushed to the hospital tonight, her family by her side. This afternoon when I dropped Carlos off we chatted and I walked away lighter, chuckling, which is how she usually sends me on my way. While we wait for word on how she is doing, I think of the wonderful relationship she has with her kids, and how her son, who wears her smile, adores her. My son is worried for her, and for his friend. It's the first time I have ever seen him tear up while asking me if she will be all right. It's the waiting that forces you to reflect. It's in the waiting that reasons are stripped apart and reconsidered, that actions and reactions lose their intensity, that second chances are negotiated, that perspectives are shifted.

And so in the waiting, in the stillness of this most unsettling night, I release my prayers for my friend and her family, and watch as it takes its place amongst the stars and the moon.......

I am humbled by the frailty of life............




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