Married with Children

A month shy of 16 years ago I married this man. Carlos and I had dated for 2 years and had you asked me then, at 26, if I was ready for marriage, I would have smugly said of course. I would have defensively debated you on how the 2 years courtship was a metaphorical resume that would not only sum up my qualifications for the job as wife, but would have also guaranteed our success. Two snaps, a circle and a neck roll later I would have strutted my way down the carpeted aisle of petals and ribbons, opening the doors to a reality I thought I would be familiar with, only because I have rehearsed the scenario so often in my delusional mind. Needless to say, what we imagine something to be, and the reality of what it is, can be quite sobering......especially if you watch way too much tv like I did.....I wanted the Cosby Show, Family Ties, but it's really more like Married With Children and Roseann people.......
When I think back to where we started from and what we have had to face, when I think of all the tantrums, all the tears, all the unexpected surprises, good and bad, all the loss and all the gifts, the insecurities, the hurt, the passion and compassion, the laughter,the growth, the sacrifices and the rewards, the birth of our children, the change in our lives...and the love it took to sustain it all, I am awed....When I think back to the day I came home heavy with the uncertainty of a devastating Autism diagnoses sitting on my heart, and the way he still believed in our son and in subsequently believed in and supported my efforts to push Gabe ahead....or the way he stood by my side and comforted me as I watched helplessly as both my grandparents slid into Alzheimers.....I am profoundly grateful.....
Marriage has been so much harder than I would have thought it should ever be, so much messier, so much more vulnerable, complex, layered, and ridiculously bare. Here I was at one time thinking that it would be fun, an adventure intermixed with fixing an apartment and planning a life, but as with anything real and purposeful, planning a life evolved into making the most out of life.
Not that I'm much more prepared now than I was 16 years ago to walk down that aisle......
The only difference now is that I've learned to accept my inner Roseann, Carlos's inner Al Bundy...and the delusions of grandeur are as far behind me as the size 4 dress I wore on that day...
Still after a month shy of 16 years, I love him......