It's been 2 weeks since I paced my kitchen's unforgiving cold tile, with my little girl cradled in a blanket by my breast. My heart beat kept rhythm with hers. My intellect plead with God to take her peacefully, I knew she was dying and by 2 am, she was in pain, I knew it was time..but my heart, my heart secretly wanted that miracle...I've always had a problem with goodbyes.
Lexi came to me during the first year of my marriage. She was my Christmas present. My husband came home, took his hand from inside of his coat, and there, in his palm was this tiny chocolate long haired Chihuahua, with a collar that hung more like a long strand of pearls. She was all ears, her shaking started at the end of her wagging tail and rippled to the tip of her bobbing ears...I fell in love with her instantly, and never stopped loving her.
Lexi labored with me, adored my children, loved everyone she came in contact with. She was funny, she was sweet, she was loving, she was beautiful, she was accepting, just pure unconditional love. I have cried into her countless times when I couldn't cry in front of anyone else. She was by my side through the darkest moments, as I researched first Autism and ADHD and then Alzheimer's, and everything that went along with it. She was there countless nights when I couldn't sleep because my grandparents regressions haunted me. She was there the countless nights I couldn't sleep because the desperation for my son kept me maniacally looking for more answers, more information, more of anything that could help. As the years passed and milestones were met, her joyous energy never diminished until her final weeks, when her 18 years began to reveal itself..
But I miss her terribly. My instincts are to instantly look towards her corner, to call for her, to hear for her. Having to become accustomed to the silence, to the empty space is challenging. I am comforted by the healthy happy years she has been able to live out with us, I am comforted by the absolute love I have for her, and for having been able to be there for her when she needed me the most.
Any animal lover could tell you that animals have super powers. In loving you they thaw your reservations and coax your psyche. The primal connection is therapeutic, medicinal, they are the ultimate healers.. They watch over you. They do not judge you....well, maybe they do...But whatever the case may be, Lexi had super powers...According the Gabe her super powers may have been incontinence in her last years....but,
in my mind, her super power was her happy go lucky state of being, her oblivious state to anything that could bring her down, and her undeniable fighters spirit as she tried to hold onto life til the very end. I have learned many lessons from her. I am grateful to my husband and to the forces that put Lexi in his path.. From the palm of his hand, to cradled against my breast 18 years later, she has been such an extraordinary gift.
I love her
I miss her....
Thank you Lexi.....
RIP......
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