Person First

There are a spectrum of colored markers fanned out in front of him. Anchored by a deep connection to a world of outlined animals that find animated life at the ends of his fingertips, he tells his stories. He is proud of them. Gabriel's Big Book Of Art prefaces a stream of stapled pieces of paper. He has filled the first 5 sheets, and has giggled, slapped the sides of his thighs, poked the bottom of his feet straight through each page. I study his work, trying to find clues, knowing his thoughts exist here, his feelings exist here, his stims come out here. It was through his drawings a few years back that he was able to express his profound feelings of inadequacies because of his differences. In a sheet of outlined floating faces, their in the left of center, was Gabe's round outlined face with a dunce cap perched on his head. It read LOSER vertically down that sharp cone. His was the only face not smiling. There in black and white were the most complex, concrete feelings in the simplest of fluid line. He was only 7 at the time. I sat huddled with his team, trying to find a way to help my son navigate not only his innate differences and disabilities within the external world , but also had to figure out how to begin to build up his self esteem so that he could feel what I do and know what I know, that he is in so many ways my hero. I wanted his inner world to have a strong foundation.

Building a sense of self worth takes a lifetime. I'm not going to pretend I solved this in sitcom speed with jokes, laughs, a few scripted soft moments, audience sighs and applause...no commercial breaks...No, it has been slow, and applied as needed, and I'm still in the beginning stages. Mothers who are raising a child with special challenges and needs are in a precarious place. They say when you loses a sense, the others strengthen as a result. Well, when you sense that your child can be seen as less than because of a diagnosis or a classification, you become hyper vigilant, extremely sensitive to the use of words, and non verbal form of communication takes on a new level of clarity. What is left unsaid becomes as palatable as the impact of the words that were served, savored and digested. But mostly, it becomes our mission to make sure that our children are seen as children first. They are given names. They are unique. They have typical attributes just like any other child. They should never be defined by thier disability, and thier disability does not suggest a lack of ability. They are whole. For years I told anyone that would pay attention that just because my child has a disorder doesn't mean he is one. But when words come into play, so many forget that our children process everything they say, even if they are wired a bit differently, or that the processing is delayed. They feel it, they sense it, they know it, because they are human. They have profound thoughts and emotions. Just because we are incapable of thinking outside of the box, or just don't understand it, it doesn't mean that they are not being affected by our callous use or misuse of words. For all the times that I tell Gabe he can do something, he is talented, he is brilliant, he is smart, he is funny, he is loving, there are so many more instances when outside of my radar, he is referred to as "autistic" "special needs" "disabled", "delayed" before he is addressed by his name, and hears and feels "can't" ,"different", "weird", not good enough....

There is a movement called Person First Language. It came about as a means to help a community of people who happen to have a disability been seen as a Person First. Simple concept, life altering results. It's not a denial of a diagnosis, it's putting the child, the person before it. It is acknowledging that the person is on equal footing despite their challenges. It is respecting an individual enough to see beyond the can't and embrace all the can's. It is about honoring integrity, restoring dignity, and helping to develop an awareness to the way we view and speak to one another. It's about awakening a sense of humanity that has long been ignored. If we demand that our school districts commit to this most simple of changes, and might I add, cost effective, it's free, and lead by example, perhaps it will ripple into the communities that support the schools. Perhaps if we hold those we elect to represent us to also joining this movement, perhaps they will begin to understand that what they vote for effects a person, not a disorder.

Gabe focused on completing his book for his teacher. Despite my pleas for him to fill in his lovely animals with color, their forms remain pristine white, only the delineated is granted a primary or secondary color. Years ago I would have sold my soul to the devil to have a chance to hear him speak to me, to have him be able to express a thought in the way I could understand it. To be able to not melt at the sounds of a band, or a high pitched anything. To be able to take him for a walk without having to race after him or hold my breath at what might set him off, or what might come out of him..to play appropriately, to not play parallel.... I would have given anything to see him with the other children actually interacting. While we have been able to get him to a place where he can answer our questions, and he can be part of a band, trumpet section thank you very much, Gabe, a loving, funny, silly, bright, talented, artistic boy who just happens to have Autism/.ADHD has a long way to go. And I, ever a Union member, (local Warrior mom) am calling on negociations with both celestial and not so celestial beings, threatening strikes, offering compromises, in the hopes that HOPE reigns, and somehow, Gabe and his peers, all find themselves thriving in a community of love and acceptance.....