Long time no blog

My husband pointed out to me just 2 days ago that it's been quite some time since I blogged. The irony is that he started this blog for me as a way to help me get disciplined about writing...which truthfully would probably be the first thing I would have been disciplined in when it comes to me. Well, wait, there were the high school anorexic years.....Lord knows not eating takes great deal of self control..... but that obviously falls into the dysfunction that seems to have defined me so well.

So he asks why I haven't blogged in so long. Despite scattered flu's and colds that took turns invading our bodies, despite the laryngitis that robbed me of my ability to warn, plead my case and yell like a lunatic....despite the running around, the unexpected last minute projects that were assigned in September...I answered briskly, "I just haven't got anything to say".....

Here's the thing, most people who know me real well would find that hard to believe. Not only can I find conversation just about anywhere, but I can assign a feeling or an opinion on just about anything and if I can't find out the facts, my imagination runs wild. Yes, I know, when you assume....but I am a card carrying member of the "made an ass out of me and you"club, so the concept of possibly blowing something out of proportion doesn't intimidate me, it's my specialty.....and sometimes what I do best. Go big, or go home, right?

But I have been more quiet lately, at least on the outside. Silently, I have been struggling.
It's easy to disguise "I don't know how to say, or describe what I feel", or flat out depression. With a shrug of a shoulder, a roll of an eye, a smirk and sway of the hip, it instantly gets transformed into an "I don't have anything to say"....and I do what's familiar....I shortchange myself again.

So here is a bit of what I couldn't find the courage to say.......
I'm really tired, and I feel so guilty admitting that Autism and ADHD and all things neurologically challenging, financially challenging, educationally challenging....hell, anything challenging, lately has left me unbelievably challenged.....and overwhelmed....I can't stand the instability, the insecurity, the not knowing......and I needed a serious break, at least a day of not having to think about it.....or a night where I can go to a resteraunt with my husband and try to channel a somewhat acceptable facimile of a woman.....Do crusaders get tired? Do they doubt their impact? Do they lose themselves on their way to battle....

There was an article that came out around Veterans day that said Mothers of children on the spectrum suffer the same type of stress as solders and veterans. I have never been a soldier or a veteran, but I can tell you this.....anyone that is in a caretaker role and has a mystery like Autism on their hands, and knows that the only chance their kid has for a loving, caring, environment and a shot at fulfilling their potential, whatever that may be, has an unbelievable fight ahead. It's the fight that drains you. It's the constant thought of having to be alert, on guard, cautious, that leaves you depressed and seeking signs to keep your faith going strong....Things like, encouragement from friends and family......a moment of contained normalcy at the end of the day....an unexpected answer at the dinner table...a good hearty laugh....Gabe, telling me he loves me.....Carlos sneaking onto the couch with me and cuddling...Will, always helping me out, always dreaming of something new to create....my parents, who always have been so incredibly supportive....and my husband....who knows it's not that I have nothing to say, but that I rather not say anything than really hurt someone......The guilt is not about it being hard, or being a puzzle, it's about not having been able to fix things, to give Gabe the typical beautiful childhood...the guilt has been about being angry that my child was robbed of a chance at a normal life by a disorder that my gut tells me has nothing to do with God's plans and everything to do with our inexcusable ignorance and greed and the damage it has done to our environment. The guilt comes because I love my children more than I could ever express and I don't ever want Gabe to feel any less because he is so much more than I could have ever hoped for.
But I am tired, I am stressed. I am a bit depressed. I had stopped my "healthy diet" I had stopped walking. I had stopped blogging. I had stopped so many things. I gained weight. I am out of breath. A vision of loveliness.....so sexy I can't stand it.....I'm too sexy for my life too sexy it hurts....I can't zip my life into my pants it's so sexy......ah....Frankie Goes to Hollywood...Relax don't do it.......now there's a good motto....

I need to get over myself. It's mid November. Thanksgiving is 9 days away. Gratitude, gratiude, thoughts of gratitude.....gratitude journal....gratitude Godiva chocolate......gratitude....Godiva....Godiva chocolate martini...GRATITUDE!!!!!!!!! YES!!!I'll drink to that!

Here's to faith....here's to hope......hey, if anything, I have been consistently hopeful, and anyone who lives by hope knows the intense regimen one must keep to maintain it......

So it begins again.........
One blog at a time.....
Tomorrow I shall walk and eat a healthy breakfast......
and take it from there............