When you lay down with dogs.........

My home is dominated by testosterone. Just about everything in it is male except me of course, and 2 of my 3 dogs. I have a 14 year old senile long haired chihuahua named Lexi and a one year old Great Dane, Clementine. One of us woke up today with her period. This is my luck, so take a big guess who......
Now, this is the second time she has gotten "her little friend" and I tell you, there is not much difference between Clementine and her female teenage human counterpart. Clem breaks out, she gets moody, needy and sentimental. She wants to eat, she wants to cuddle, she wants to be left alone, she barks more than usual, her nipples swell, she's bloated, sore, and I'm pretty sure she's flipped me the bird a few times over.........If she could slam a door I'm betting she would!! Thank God she has no opposable thumbs!!!!!
Before this problem got messier, I figured I take a ride to the pet store to find a solution.....The shop keeper tells me that the best thing to do is to put my sons underwear on her with an Always pad inside (with wings) because quite frankly the pads she sells would never fit her.....
Uneasy, I came home, looked through the drawers, found a suitable pair and strapped on a pad with wings.....I was good to go, I was thinking positive, had a few treats to try to distract her, tried to keep calm cool and collected....She gave me kisses, tricked me into believing I had a chance...Then I made my move, and she made hers....I put her foot into the underwear, she took it out, I put it in, then she shook me all about....we did the hokey poky and she turned me upside down...I ended up with a pad strapped onto my forehead and my positive attitude, like a thong, shoved deep in various crevices.....This meant war.....We made eye contact, she licked my nose. I didn't fall for it this time. We wrestled, we grappled, kids were trying to help hold her down, kids were being tossed everywhere like rag dolls...I mean "action figures"...(they are boys)....finally victory was mine....the underwear was on, backwards, but that's ok, and she sat exhausted, grumbling and thirsty.....and it lasted all of 5 minutes before she ripped off the underwear and ate the pad.....
And just like that I became Clementine's Bitch.....until it's my turn.........