10 years ago today, I would have never been able to imagine what Gabriel's path would have been. I was holding my baby, completely in love, thanking God and everyone else I can think of because he was healthy. Cradling him and rocking him in my arms, it was I who was lulled into a false sense of security......
2 years later my beautiful boy would have regressed completely into Autism, a few weeks after receiving his MMR shots.
When you think of those sacred and golden childhood years, you think of wonder, excitement, discovery, every first...You think you are in the drivers seat, but you are a passenger on the greatest trip ever...a second chance at getting to marvel at the world from your child's perspective. When I think of William, and how he would belly laugh out loud while watching Spongebob and then quickly look back to share it with me, or when he would whisper his secrets, or would be completely enthralled by everything festive, every holiday, every celebration...or when I think of Carlos and how he wants to be part of everything and everyone, how he always followed his big brothers around and tried to mimic them, how he had this adventurous palate, and how he enjoyed the sun on his face and the grass under his feet...I am grateful I got a chance to hop in and be enchanted.......
It's easy to feel Gabe was robbed of a chance at a "normal" childhood. It's easy to be heartbroken because he, at 3, was being lead into a Special Needs classroom, because he had lots of therapies, because he lost all his language, because it appeared he was completely disconnected from us, because he couldn't focus or sit still, because he would tip toe silently away from anything that we could relate too or thought he should be able too, because he could not bare the feel of his clothes on his body, or the socks or shoes on his feet, or the noises that for some reason seemed too much for him...because he had chronic diarrhea and had gag reflexes an anorexic would envy.I spent his childhood years stripping everything to it's essence. Back to basics, 101. Every thing was a social story, everything was broken down into small steps. There were visual pecs schedules. There were rewards. There were reminders. There was countless of hours of play therapy. There were doctors visits, the flavor of the month specialist to go to. There were weighted vests, weighted blankets, listening therapies, jumping on trampolines, swinging, spinning, rolling.....There were dietary restrictions and changes...the list is endless....and all done with a careful eye, trying to sew the therapy and treatments into the fabric of childhood my son was to wear. This was his experience, and in the process it was mine.
Yet, the lesson that I have slowly been learning here is that every experience is not only valid and unique, it is equally important and intense. My son's childhood expectations may have been different from his brothers, but it doesn't mean that it was any less of an experience. In our quest for "normalcy" I learned that every family needs to define what that means to them. With every milestone, with every word spoken, with every simple direction completed, with every healthy stool, with every eye contact, with every gesture, with every open and close of a circle of communication, there came with it a wonder of childhood...
I struggle. I would be lying if I said that I am at peace, because I am far from it. I'm still up at all hours trying to figure out what my next step should be, what my next option is, how can I help Gabe develop better problem solving skills, how can I get him to the next level, how I can help him keep up socially with his peers, and how I can help him keep up academically now that more of a global perspective is being required. I want him to be able to have a few good friends, be able to reach out and learn to interact in a way that makes him feel comfortable but at the same time meets his friends needs as well. I want him to be happy, to be confident, to be joyful, to reach his potential....and yet keep tying that into what it means to be 10 to Gabe, as opposed to Will or Carlos......I struggle........
But this little boy who is kind and funny, loving, bright, artistic, gluttonous, innocent, and persistent, this little boy that I danced around the house with, that I rocked to sleep has taken me on a most unexpected ride. I've been challenged by him to rethink, redefine, and learn to be far more open to the natural rhythm of all things with life....I am grateful I got a chance to hop in and be enchanted.........
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