Reeses

Last Tuesday unraveled in the most unexpected of ways. By 8 am, instead of preparing for the bus, I was racing down main street in my minivan with 2 very worried kids and one extremely ill dog on my lap. By the time I pulled into the parking lot, Reeses was near death, and I was devastated. Our healthy pet quickly deteriorated right before our eyes in a matter of hours. How could this have happened?

In our home, our pets are an extension of our family. We are unapologetic animal lovers. From our everyday moments to our extraordinary heartbreaks or milestones, our pets are prominent and present loving beings that give back far more than what they are given. Tears streaming down our faces, his lifeless body cradled in my arms, perhaps clued the vet to just how important Reeses is to us, but it was no where near enough for him to not have coldly made clear to us that we would have to be responsible for the bill in full if he is to survive, or not survive the night. Every attempt to save Reeses would be documented and charged. If we could not pay in full, Reeses could not have a long shot at a recovery. There would be no hope. Where have I heard this before? Oh, right, for almost every therapy or DAN doctor I ever looked into for my own son Gabe. The price of help for your child in the Autism world is exorbitant, and if you cannot afford it, your child cannot have the services that could help him thrive. The business of helping is a business, it is always first and foremost a business. A profitable one at that. It's no wonder many are denied the coverage they pay into when they do have health insurance, and those without cannot afford the medical attention they need until it's too late...It's no different for a pet. Except, when you can't afford to save a pet you can put them down. Death by lack of funds.....The same is illegal for humans, but it is legal to deny a service needed, to the extent that it's needed, because they can't afford it. How do we continue to justify this?

I left Reeses at the vet that Tuesday and drove the kids to school. Reeses had seizures, convulsions, vomitted non stop. His numbers & vitals had the vets concerned and confused. They thought maybe he had liver cancer, maybe it was bacterial, maybe heartworms....a plethora of testing was done. Vet number 1 gave me no hope. Reeses could barely lift his head and could not stand. But he managed to give us kisses when he saw us and his spirits lifted. My husband, poor man, was left to console me. "Since when do you completely trust doctors?" he asked...."I have a gut feeling he will be fine...the cost? We'll figure it out, you do what you have to do." And here is where I am reminded of why I fell inlove and married this man. It was not his looks (though he is handsome) or his cheery disposition and bordering feminine sensitivity (completely dripping with sarcasm here, he makes David Letterman look like a kitten)....it was because his intelligence soothes me..it was because in my most vulnerable of moments he gives me hope. He trusts my decisions and instincts. He helps me stand up and dust myself off. In my hours of indescribable loss, he holds my hand and lends me the strength I need until I've found my own again. While most men would have taken the needle to Reeses themselves, he looked at his children, he looked at me, and he said "he'll be fine, and if not, you loved him and he loved you, you gave him a great life." The next few days Reeses got progressively better. Friday he was sent home with a slew of antibiotics, a special diet and a ton of vitamins and supplements. Turns out, Vet number 2 has a son on the spectrum and a deep faith in the impact of a healthy diet, vitamins and supplements. Vet number 2 also never took away my hope completely, and recognized the "miracle" of Reeses recovery as also having a strong support system visiting him twice daily, giving him the extra push to beat the bacteria that had invaded his body, inflammed his liver and kidneys 3 times it's natural size, and had left his immune system ravaged.

There is no irony left unnoticed here for me. I know life is fragile. The beginning of the summer left us with the reality of cancer and a recovery from a successful operation. The end of the summer was marked with the shock of Reeses sudden illness and a reminder once again that nothing should be taken for granted. Especially those closest to you. Hope is vital. Love is vital. Gratitude is vital. Life is vital. Respect is vital. Kindness is vital. Support is vital. Humor is vital. The choices we make have great impact on the lives of those we love, and sometimes on the lives of those we don't even know.

Reeses came into our lives as a shelter dog, happy to have found a home. He is a brilliant companion with a personality that towers over his little shih tzu frame. His outstanding overbite punctuated by one solitary tooth protruding out, coupled with his intense stare has lead the most resistant to succumb to his powers of silent persuasion and share a meal with him. Even at the vet's the assistants fell in love with him. It's easy. He is joy with a bit of an attitude and a swagger. He is always curled up by my feet, but we all know it's the other way around. If anything is a endorsement for shelter & rescue animals, it's this....unconditional love is absolutely free of charge with these little guys. The light they give is definitely healing. The impact thier lives have on yours, priceless...............

Picnic on the beach.........

An easy 25 feet separates 3 familiar silhouettes from my ever watchful eyes. I sit in the company of at least 20 well fed seagulls, all of which have much more of an interest in what I hold in my hands, than what is actually going through my head.

Normally, it would be my dogs staring intensely at me around the kitchen table. But today, I woke up yearning for a picnic, needing a beach, and aching for time to stand still long enough to breathe in each one of my baby boys....I inhale........pack 4 lunches, throw in some munchies. Granted, it is not your Ina Garten Barefoot Contessa spread, but then to my defense, Ina doesn't have to deal with food allergies, arguments over who called shotgun first, what type of music to play, who farted, the punch buggy game, and then the punch buggy game gone seriously wrong...(Gabe always ends up thinking every car is fair game and wails on Will)...So in my world, walking outside to get some herbs from my garden is more like staking out the joint for a mental escape. I picture myself scaling fences, then remembering in my youth, how when I was far thinner and more limber, it took 3 Greeks to hoist me back onto a boat, scaling a fence with what most certainly would inspire Sir Mix a Lot to rewrite a classic, would be, pardon the pun, assinine. Fat asses should not happen to good people. But I digress, and I exhale......................................

Nothing beats the beach after the crowds have left. On a windy day like today, where the damp salted chill competes with the warming pockets of sun that slips through the clouds, you can find a few scattered people laying about like seals just taking in the moment.......My boys explore the shorelines. Will and Carlos walk ahead. Gabe sits, legs crossed, his back to me, looking at the ocean. His dark outline made more pronounced by the glittering light that appears to dance around him, is pure perfection. From this distance, I can only hear the gush of uninterrupted wind, the crashing of the waves and the slight frothing of the foam left behind... thier conversations are left inaudible, replaced by the gulls that grow impatient with me. My heart clenched, reflextively I inhale. The summer I was pregnant with Gabe, JFK Jr's plane went down. I was attending NYU when he was at the Law school, so he was very real to me. Called me Presley because of the tribute to Elvis I had painted on the back of my denim jacket. We graduated the same year. I first paid attention to the phrase search and recovery when that plane went down. In my mind, search meant hope, recovery meant a healing, a saving....they meant a retrieval of the bodies, I was hoping for a revival, a resurrection of sorts. You hear "recovery" used for our ASD kids, every parents hope, every search, every research, would end in recovery...My mom spent the summer recovering from colon cancer surgery at my home this summer. A search for a reason for her overwhelming exhaustion lead to recovery from a cancer that grew within. For the innate procrastinator, summers long leisurely days were seemed to have been designed with us in mind. Yet, this year more than any, it has betrayed me. I have not been able to catch up to the demands of dealing with so many unique needs in so many different
bodies. The wave swells high, curves inward with a rush, racing onto the shore, boyhood returned to the sea, adolescence awkwardly taking it's place. I search for ways to slow life down a bit, keep my boys where they are at until I am ready to let them go, knowing full well I might never be ready. Recovery? Rehab? A surprise picnic on the beach. A chance to spend time with my favorite kids, at my favorite place, in the dwindling days of my most favorite season.. Perfect way to spend a day off of school. My heart replete, surrendering, I exhale.......

An easy 3 inches in height seperates Will's shoulders from mine. I look up to him now. We fold the blanket, pick up what was left by the seagulls, collect the seashells and rocks, and begin our walk to the car. Though we are no where near through with the work expected from the day, the break was embraced. The beach, literally, figuratively, has always been where I go to restore. It's a moment of peace.

Shotgun called...arms punched.....radio station negociated.....ramdon conversations collide....several warnings issued.....sea air drifts in.....the first strands of Stones Beast of Burden starts, the volume gets turned up.....and the car saunters home..................

Definitely not ready for summer to end...........
Definitely not ready for my kids to grow up...............
Definitely just not ready.................
still searching....................
perhaps rescue...........
and then recovery...............